You Are My Centre When I Spin Away
by freewithme
Summary: AU FINCHEL - "I just wish I could give this to you, why can't I? Why can't we have this?" She wipes her nose on her sleeve and wonders out loud, "Why can't I? Why? Why, Finn?"
1. Chapter 1

He comes home after 8pm and is immediately concerned with the silence he finds. Stopping for second, he tries to listen for something. Rachel's usually blasting some Broadway tune whilst finishing dinner for them and singing joyfully with the sweetest voice he ever had the pleasure of listening.

Finn goes through the house quietly, thinking maybe she had a headache and had to lay down for a bit. Although she always texts him when she's feeling bad because she know he would go buy something to cheer her up or make her feel better as soon as he heard about it. It's easy as breathing to anticipate your partner's need after almost a decade together and he never gets tired of it. Every day he wishes more time, more moments, more days, and more love with Rachel. All the time in the world is never going to be enough.

When he gets to the main room and sees Rachel lying in bed he immediately feels something weird because she's not wearing her pyjamas. Instead, regular work clothes are covering her tiny body and he starts to feel that something is incredibly wrong. Rachel doesn't like to lay with her work clothes because she doesn't like to mess them up, she always neatly folds them after getting home, a habit he eventually acquired from her, making things much simpler for the next work day, if the clothes are clean, or course. Or, when he's in a hurry, clean-ish. Still good.

He rushes to her side and then he sees it. An otherwise regular paper, but he knows exactly what it means. Taking a deep, shaking breath, he gently removes the paper from her hands and then he reads it, the words that have been hunting and hurting them for almost eight years show up once again.

"No," he whispers softly. "God, no."

He carefully puts his hands on her shoulders and feels her small hiccups. She's sleeping, but her pain is still bubbling through her body, shaking it every so slightly, like it wasn't enough that it dragged her down to bed, it's like it has to keep going for its full effect to be felt. Like they haven't felt it enough over time. It gets through him, too, he feels. The pain exits her body and enter his and he falls to his knees next to the bed, devastated. Fuck, she was so happy a few days ago. So excited. And now this?

She seems so fragile and small in bed, it breaks his heart every single time.

Finn puts his hands on her shoulder and shakes lightly, stirring her up. Gently because at the same time that he doesn't want her to wake up and deal with this again, he still needs to know how she feels so he can work on making her feel better. He needs to be her rock, he needs to be there for her.

"Hi, sweetheart."

She struggles to wake up, sucks a deep breath and hardly opens her eyes. As they open, there is so much pain in them, he feels like it could swallow him to darkness and infinite sadness, a place he would be hopeless, much like he feels right now.

When Rachel looks at him, it's like his heart is being ripped apart. She looks so delicate, her eyes puffy and her lips trembling.

"It's okay, we're going to be okay, baby." He caresses her soft skin. "I'm here, it's okay."

She closes her eyes and starts to cry in a very soft and heartbreaking manner, it makes him tremble, sorrow overtaking his body and making him close his eyes. He can't take this.

"Finn," she whimpers.

"I'm right here, baby. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"Why can't I do this?" Her voice breaks, "Why?"

"Honey, it's going to be okay…"

She tries to breathe and shakes her head calmly. "It won't, it won't ever be okay."

"Rach-"

"I just wish I could give this to you, why can't I? Why can't we have this?" She wipes her nose on her sleeve and wonders out loud, "Why can't I? Why? Why, Finn?"

Rachel turns her body, feeling she can't face him and see the look of disappointment on his face, she just can't do this. Why must this be so hard?

With a muffled voice she says, "I'm so sorry, Finn. I'm just a dry and useless woman, I don't-"

"What?" He can't believe her words. "No, Rachel, you're not, stop that." He strongly shakes his head and gets up, going over the other side of the bed and lying down with her and facing her.

"Rachel, stop this, you're wonderful. God, I know you don't believe me, but you are. You are, baby."

She cries harder at his honest and soft spoken words, why can't this happen for them? With so much love in their heart and so much more left to give, why can't they have this? It's like the universe is playing a trick on them, over and over and over again... and it gets harder to bear the anguish every single time.

Rachel can't stand to know this is happening again. She puts her hands on her face and buries her head in her pillow, just trying to pretend that the last couple of weeks never happened.

Finn scotches over and puts his arm around her, trying to comfort her as he has been doing for the last eight years. It's hard to believe it's been so long, they have been trying for so long. He wonders why it hasn't happened yet. Don't they deserve it?

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><p><strong><em>A few weeks earlier<em>**

"Hi, honey!"

Rachel entered the kitchen bouncing with happiness, light on her feet. Finn looks at her amused by her sudden bounciness. Sure, she likes to skip around, but this happy bouncing must mean something more and he can't wait to know what it is. Fuck, she makes him so happy by simply bouncing around.

He looks up from his papers and says, "Hi, babe, what's up?"

Rachel comes over to his side by the table and sits on his lap, putting her left hand on his hair and keeps her right hand behind her back. Giggling, she kisses his lips, making Finn smile, reaching for her mouth again, pure love pouring from his body and making its way towards her, making her feel it, too. He puts his arms around her and tries to deepen the kiss, but she pushes him slightly away. She pecks him again, smiles coyly and bites her lower lip.

She sing song her next words, "I have something to share with you…"

"Yeah?"

"Yes! And I think you will enjoy it quite a lot, Mr. Hudson."

"Consider me very interested, Mrs. Hudson. What is it?"

"Well…" She says, enjoying this moment way too much. She has been waiting for this, after all, she's allowed to play around a little. She leans close to his ear and whispers the words they have been waiting for years, "I'm pregnant."

He almost jumps his chair, grabbing her waist harder and opening his eyes wide, "What?! Are you serious right now?!"

She closes her eyes in bliss, nods her head, puts her arms over her head and screams, "YES!"

"Oh my God, Rachel! Really?"

"Yes! I had five tests and they _all_ came up positive! All of them, Finn! It has never been like this before!"

"Baby, this is so amazing, show me! I want to see them!"

She takes her hands behind her back and shows them to him, completely forgetting that he might think it's a tiny bit gross she peed on them. Oops.

He looks at them in wonder and he can't breathe. This is amazing indeed. Rachel is right, it has never been like this. It must mean something good, right? It just has to.

They look at each other and they can't believe it. It's finally here. Rachel voices their thoughts first, "This is it, honey. We have done it. This is it!" She says excitedly.

Finn doesn't take more than a second to join her. "This is really it, Rach."

He puts the tests over the table, gently picking her hair and pushing it over her ears, all the whilst smiling and breathing deeply, with pure adoration in his eyes. Mixed with tears, of course. He smiles at her. Her face mirrors him, a happy tear escaping her eyes and making its way down her beautiful, beautiful face. He can't remember a time he seen her this happy before. Their wedding dance and song come very close, but this is a very different happiness. It's new and exciting and something they are so ready for.

Kissing her deeply, all he can think about is how much they deserve this, after all this time, after all the heartache, it's finally here.

Breaking away, she whispers against his mouth, "Can I set a day to get a blood test? Will you come with me? I want to make sure I schedule it as soon as it's humanly possible!"

Finn laughs at her shiny enthusiasm.

"Yes, let's do it. Let's call the doctor's office and set it up." He takes a deep breath, "This is it, baby. We're having a baby."

"We're having a baby!" Rachel screams in plain delight.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>**Title comes from Radiohead's "Videotape". I do not own anything, not the song, not the characters, not the show, nothing. Nope, nothing.**

**Thank you for reading. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

When Rachel wakes up, she feels so very tired. It is like her body took a hard fall, straight on concrete. She glances at the clock at the bedside table and sees that it is 1:45am, what a strange time to wake up. She feels Finn stir next to her and glances at his face, wondering why they are wearing work clothes, then it all comes rushing back to her. All she could think about was no, no, no, no, no, no. No, not again.

She feels her breath being stolen away from her as the memories flooded her thoughts, making her try to reach her breath, but she can't. She can't breath. She puts her hands on her chest and tries to keep calm, but it's very fucking hard and Rachel wants to scream and cry and curse the entire world because this is just plain cruel. Vile. A sick game someone is playing with her life, her dreams.

Rachel reaches her hand towards Finn and shakes him awake. He is confused at first, but after reality sets in, he pulls her close and rubs his hands on her back, repeating over and over, "Breathe, baby, it's okay. It's going to be okay."

He slowly gets up from the bed and takes her small hands inside his large ones, slowly lifting her up and keeping his words soothing, trying to calm her down. These damn panic attacks are happening every time the results come up negative and he doesn't know how much longer she could take before she completely breaks down. His heart feels like it is being squeezed with knifes all over it, he can only imagine how her own heart is feeling.

After several minutes of trying to control her breath, Rachel starts to breathe normally and, for the first time since Finn got home, she looks him in the eyes. It hurts. It hurts so badly, she doesn't know how to react to these negative tests anymore. She feels like a huge, gigantic failure, there is no other way to describe it. It is like her identity and soul are being taken away from here and she can't do it anything to stop it.

"I'm so tired, Finn," she whispers.

"I know, baby. I know." He kisses her forehead to try and ease her nerves, rubbing her arms up and down. "We'll get through this, okay? I promise you, Rachel."

"I just-" an abrupt sob cuts her mid-sentence, shaking her entire body. Closing her eyes, she tries to focus on here and now. Her husband, firm and solid and real and always, always here for her.

"I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't understand why all of this is happening. What is wrong with me?"

"Oh, honey, it's going to be okay. There's nothing wrong with you. We'll figure this out."

She eyes him sceptically. She wants to believe him so greatly, but her hope and faith are slowly slipping away, like sand inside her hand, they are sliding away and she can't even feel they leaving, it's like she's numb. It is a hard feeling to bear. She heard of couples trying for years, but somehow they always make it work. Why couldn't them? Wasn't their love strong enough? She certainly feels it is, is she wrong? Without being able to stop herself, she says, "Isn't our love strong enough, Finn? Is there something missing with us?"

"Rachel, no. You can't think this way, okay? We'll figure this out. We will." He tries to take a deep and calming breath, "We'll sleep on it and think of something in the morning. Or we'll just stay together tomorrow, that's all I care about. I'll call in sick, you'll do the same and we can stay all day together, okay? How does that sound? Is that okay?"

She wants to get excited, she really does, but she can't smile, it is like her face is stuck in an infinite frown. Grumpy Rachel. If she were in a good mood, she could laugh at her own joke, but it is so hard. Everything comes closing down on her, the walls, the weight of their dreams and she can't face them falling apart. If there's a word appropriate for this moment it is this one: can't. She can't breath, she can't think, she can't act, she can't feel. She just… can't.

She looks into his eyes and is fully honest with him, "Finn, I need you so much right now, I can't do this alone, I-I can't-", another rapid sob escaping her mouth, making her small body lunge forward towards his soothing arms.

Finn helps her close and kisses her hair, whispering, "I love you so much, Rach, I'll be with you every step of the way. I promise, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

They both close their eyes and try to soak up in each other's comfort and love, the thing that has undoubtedly keeping them together for this long.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading. :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

When Finn wakes up in the following morning he feels dejected and crushed. It's like a sad cloud has taken place above his head and heart, weirdly enough, and refuses to leave, no matter what he does to try and break away from its spell.

After calling his restaurant and asking for his sous chef to cover for him for the day, he calls his mom and let's everything out, unable to stop himself from sharing his deepest fears, fears he only shared with Rachel so far.

He tells his mom how incapable and inadequate he feels, how much of a worthless husband, how much of a worthless man, how weak he is because he can't seem to get them rolling, instead, it's like his weakness brings them further down. He tells her everything. She listens calmly, her heart breaking for her son the entire time, wishing there was something, anything she could do.

When Finn finishes his rant he realises he's crying and that he has never been this sad. He doesn't understand why this time is different. And then he thinks, perhaps it's because Rachel had all the sign, she was more than six weeks late, she took five reliable (or so they say... reliable my ass) pharmacy tests, her body was feeling and acting different, it was like everything was falling into place. Finally. Goodness, fucking finally. After eight years of trying to have a baby, it all felt like it was going to work out.

His mother listens patiently and gives him space to curse and yell and let it all out. Whilst he makes his feelings known, she comes up with an idea. She feels like it can work out, the only issue, which shouldn't even be one, really, is if Finn and Rachel would accept it. She decides to keep it to herself for a while. They have the right to be sad right now. After all, they have been waiting for so long. Carole never knew two people who were more perfect to be parents than them, yet it was like the world was against them and didn't want it to happen. Like Rachel, and Finn, and everyone close around them, she couldn't understand. Both are healthy, have good jobs, have a beautiful house, and a wonderful life together. They have almost everything, almost.

Finn hangs up the phone, thanking his mom about a few thousand times, and goes to check on Rachel. He comes near their bedroom door and it takes all of his power to not collapse on the floor sobbing right now. Her sleepy sobs, that still haven't give her a fucking rest, are still shaking her body ever so lightly, like a chill cursing through her. He takes a deep breath, joins her on the bed and tries to shield her body from all the hurt around them. Since she keeps sleeping, he figures it's okay to let her rest for a while longer.

* * *

><p><strong><em>A few hours later.<em>**

As they are lying in bed, looking at each other and breathing in sync, as though it has always been this way, he delicately traces his fingers down her face, trying to assure her that it's going to be okay, they are going to work it out.

She adjusts her body, shifts and does the same, gaining a beautiful slow smile that starts in his mouth and make his eyes (almost) shine. His smile is the most beautiful smile she has ever seen, even this sad version, which makes her heart ache. But she keeps touching his face and he does the same to her. Nothing comforts both of them like physical touch, gently and soothing, so, she figures, this is worth a few good therapy sessions. Sometimes they don't have to talk, just touch each other quietly and peacefully.

She loves to touch his face. If she's honest with herself, she loves to touch all of him, all the time. But the instant reaction on his face makes her feel warm and fuzzy, it builds a slow and steady happiness that lasts and holds on strong for hours, days if it's necessary. It's fine, though, she knows she can and will touch him again soon. It's what keeps her going when she's having a particular hard day. It's closing her eyes and thinking about Finn, Finn, Finn, and his lazy and gorgeous smile, which makes his whole face light up. She can endure very hard days just thinking about his smile. She has before and she knows she will again. Heck, she's doing it right now. Having him lay next to her means everything, really. Knowing she can rely on him whilst going through something hard and sad as this means her heart will find a few to mend its peaces back together eventually. They just have to keep treating each other tenderly _just_ like this, with love and respect and softness.

"Life is already hard enough," he told her many years ago, "the least I can do to show you how much you mean to me and how much I love you it's to touch you in a way you'd like it. Gently if you want. Strong and hard when we're getting down to business in a frenzy also works for me." And then he winked and she knew she couldn't go on living without him. How is this man real again? She wonders this a lot. What she did to deserve him, how she got him to fall for her... She always thought she was an obnoxiously annoying and loveless woman, but then he smiled at her and made her feel important… and that changed everything.

She was surprise the first time he touched her delicately. It was a wonderful surprise to see this tall, big man touching her as though she was the most precious thing in the world to him. So she told him that. "Well, you are, baby girl. You're everything. You're the centre of my entire world and universe and infinite happiness. Forever."

Her therapist says that instant gratification isn't fast enough for her or to any aspect of her life. It never has been. But then she met him... Seeing him, across the room or close to her, so close she can feel his heart beating, it is enough. She doesn't need anything else. His voice, too, is soothing, strong and confident when she hears him from far away, gentle and loving against the skin of her neck where it meets her shoulder. He tells her this is their time, and they are going to be okay.

The first time she was falling asleep, she reached for him, her small and delicate hands landing softly on his face, making sure he was real. She touched him with so much care and love, it made his heart expand, a gentle happiness spreading all over, making his eyes shine with adoration, his mouth stretch and his nose scrunch up just a bit. It was enough to make her decide that staying with this man, in this perfect moment, was the best decision she ever made. It was like her whole life was making her ready for this moment of pure bliss. All the hurt, all the pain… it was all worth it if she could only touch him again.

They have good and bad days, just like everyone else. She wasn't expecting this one to go the way it's going... after the devastating news last night, things are still bad and she's still sad, but as she looks at him, she can't help to maintain some sort of twisted faith. She has him, after all, and that way, nothing seems unreachable. They'll figure this out.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading. :)<strong>


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